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One of you boys is gonna get some granny juice
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Vanessa Amplepants' LiveJournal:

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Friday, January 23rd, 2004
10:00 am
Anal Angels
Well, it looks like yours truly may be featured in another movie very soon. I was approached by vivid video to do a 6 scene special featuring anal intercourse. They also mentioned a potential spot on the original upcoming film "grannies anal gangbang 28". I have yet to see the other 27 movies but I think I know what they are about. I sent a copy of my latest homemade video to the producers and they really liked it. I will do just about anything as long as it is legal.

Right now I have a greasy gusset, I have to go bathe, it has been almost a week since I took a golden shower and I'm sure I don't smell very nice at the moment.
Saturday, January 10th, 2004
12:07 pm
Piss puddle
Groping granny grasps a grizzled game cock.
Tuesday, January 6th, 2004
2:58 pm
Granny is back in town
Just got back in town after a long vacation. I visited my relatives in New York and also went to a few of the S & M clubs up there. It was a great experience and highly recommended.
Tuesday, December 9th, 2003
8:46 am
Fingernail scum from scratching my ass.
Anyone ever smell their fingernail scum after giving their nether regions a good scratch and scrape ? It actually smells and tastes sweet and kinda bacterial. I recommend it.
12:43 am
Who put cornflakes in my panties ?
I woke up this morning and found all these crispy flakes in my underwear. I had been wearing my panties for 5 days straight (going to sell them on ebanned). I am still trying to figure out what these tasty flakes are and where they came from.
Tuesday, December 2nd, 2003
3:59 pm
Now they won't let you say cunt at the post office
Since when was cunt a bad word ? I was explaining all my cunt problems to a friend who works at the post office. Her boss then had the nerve to come over and ordered me to leave the post office and not to come back again because of 'profanity'.

What's next ?

Earlier this year I was arrested for pissing/shitting on the side of the interstate. I ended up shitting in my panties on the way to the police dept., I was a little drunk, and I'm sure it was hell for the police officer when she had to check me for weapons. But damn it, I was just trying to take a shit. It wasn't like I was being obscene like last week at the swimming pool.

Last year I was harrassed by a 'baywatch' nerd, who said that thongs weren't allowed on the beach and that it is illegal to be topless at the gulf coast.

A few months before that, I was kicked out of the cinema because I was making too much noise (I am a screamer though, so I can kinda understand that).

I guess the next thing to be outlawed will be sodomy or fisting. I just don't get it.

12:30 am
Squeeze Cheese and Chocolate syrup
Finally got the stains out of my carpet.
Friday, November 28th, 2003
4:50 pm
Any other cumsluts want an orgy, let me know.
Tuesday, November 25th, 2003
9:27 am
Green cheese and ham slabs.
My poem

My ass cheese is green,
My ass cheese is black,
My ass cheese smells,
Like my husbands nutsack.

My lips smell like fish,
My lips smell like eggs,
My lips dangle down
Way beneath my legs.

My pussy runs hot,
My pussy runs cold,
My pussy looks rotten,
But it is quite old.

The more I scratch it,
The more sores I create,
The more I rub it,
The more I masturbate.

My twat oozes yellow,
My twat oozes green.
My twat has been used,
By a whole football team.

My warty puss looks good,
When it's hot, warm and wet.
My warty puss feels yummy,
When it's licked by my pet.

The End
Vanessa Amplepants.
Copyright 2003 All rights reserved.
Monday, November 24th, 2003
3:44 pm
Ass Cheese
Calamine lotion is helping my itchy areas. If anyone wants to come and rub it in my ass cheeks let me know. It is hard for me to do a "reach-around". I also have a inch of ass cheese that also needs scraping out, you can keep as much as you can scrape. I will also cook dinner for whoever comes over.
12:10 pm
Eggsnatch McMuffdiver
Any other ladies like me who has a pungent rotten egg odor emenating from their muffhole ?
Sunday, November 23rd, 2003
11:24 pm
Septic Gonduloras
Finally got my picture to upload. If anyone else has any other ideas on how to stop it from itching let me know.

Hope you like my panties, my grandson bought them for me.

Friday, November 21st, 2003
11:43 pm
Crotch butter and panty batter
Wow, what a day I've had! I spent three hours at the hospital again today and it wasn't good. Apparently the ass rash is something called "septic gonduloras" which basically means that my ass fungus has managed to spread out from my anus and infect the skin on my butt cheeks, creating a colorful array of exploding zits. I am going to put a photo up on the site as soon as I can remember how to do it.

My car wouldn't start so I had to get a taxi (which was late), thankfully the taxi driver didn't charge me because I sucked him off on the way to my appointment. The bad thing was that I got so wet (and discharged a lot) that my little panties were full of crotch butter when I arrived at the hospital. I managed to scoop out a good chunk of it in the bathroom. It felt so good to be back in the stirrups that I creamed up half a pint of panty batter while the doc was delving around in my slimey slit. That maybe the reason the doc had to take a few breaks and got a little sick during the examination. She isn't the first to hurl on my snatch, and she won't be the last. The feeling of warm vomit trickling between my thighs just gives me the goosebumps.

I guess that is all the news today, if any of you guys feel like hooking up sometime soon, let me know.

Current Mood: dirty
Wednesday, November 19th, 2003
11:28 pm
Fish fister
I am still able to get my whole fist inside, even with the current swelling problems. I also have a rash on my ass, I will take a photo and show you, see if anyone knows what it is.
Tuesday, November 18th, 2003
11:56 pm
Grease stains on my crotchless panties
I caught my grandson and his friends using my crotchless panties as a sling. They had some left over hush puppies from Captain D's and were firing them at cars as they drove past. I was very upset and told him that was the last time he would see or use my panties. I don't wear them a lot these days, because they interefere with my hemorroids and are already covered in blood stains where they rub against my butt nuts. Now they are all stained up with hush puppy grease and when I wore them today I could still smell hush puppies, hopefully the grease will come out when I wash them.
Monday, November 10th, 2003
12:55 pm
Cottage Cheese
I don't know why some people are simply offended by my photograph. It is upsetting that some people are so repressed. I know I am good looking, people tell me all day long. I may not be one of these young skinny bi-sexual teenagers, but I can do things with a can of budweiser that these girls could never do... example: I can put it in my ass using my own spit as lubrication - oh yeah, I can shove it in sideways as well.

I've figured out how to make cottage cheese without any dairy products.

sex tip of today :
NEVER try to burn off your warts with a cigarette lighter, it is very painful and they don't go away.
Friday, November 7th, 2003
10:25 am
I just had this cute young guy email me, his name is rufus, he looks really really cute and wants to have lots of fun with an older woman!!! Well I told him I could help him experience things he has only dreamed of. I think he is 19 or 20, which is just in my preferred age range. Mmmm Mmmm!!!

He told me he wants to bend me over, lift up my hemorroids, scrape off the scabs and slam my turd-hole so hard my teeth will fall out. He is a true romantic and good at writing.

I have removed my email address for now because I think he will be a perfect match and this may turn out to be a long term love affair.
8:24 am
Cheese beaver
Sorry I've not posted for a while. My grandson has been staying with me and I have been busy. wink wink. He is 18 years old and beautiful. We have been giving each other oily massages and each time they get more and more erotic. Finally the other night I took the hint and slid that hot piece of meat between my bacon slabs. He pulled out just in time and sprayed my wrinkled uni-boob with his special recipe alfredo sauce.

He didn't even care about my current bout of warts, some of which almost wore off with the friction. At the very least 6 or 7 of them were bleeding at the end of the night.

He made a comment about my granny panties being sexy and told me I could sell them at www.ebanned.com - I'm not sure whether I should do this because they are sometimes so potent I would need a hazardous materials container to transport them. I like to smell my own panties while I give my 'sloppy joe' a work out with a dildo.

Sometimes I wear the same panties for upto a week. I usually take them off at night and let them dry out, then the discharge can be scraped/peeled off the next morning when it dries. In fact, one time the discharge I peeled off my panties stayed in one whole piece and it looked just like a map of south america, I have a photo of it somewhere. If I find the photo I will post it on my journal. It was amazing.

I have some red blotches on the insides of my thighs. I don't know if it's just old age or if it is something more sinister.

I am getting horny talking about this. Right now my panties are like a swamp, but that could just be some fart juice rather than vaginal ooze. ...Actually I just checked and both of my holes appeared to have made a contribution to my panty paste. My stomach has been so upset lately, I think it must be the huge amounts of semen that I drink.

I should be having another orgy soon, apparently the u of a & m basketball team referred me to one of their rival teams. Several of the team members came down with coughs and colds and needed a lot of anti-biotics after our last meeting and for some reason they are blaming it on me. I don't mind being referred though, I am always looking for new fun people to pummel my stink holes.
Monday, October 27th, 2003
8:59 am
Razor burn
It feels like I have razor burn but I haven't shaved yet.
Tuesday, October 21st, 2003
9:53 am
Oh yeah, thanks to u of a&m basketball team for a great evening on Saturday. Never thought I could really handle that many folks at once but it was worth it. My 'P' was a little sore this morning, the latex in condoms tends to irritate, that's why I would rather not use condoms.

Okay, hoping for a baseball team or football team this weekend. Let me know if you want to come over. There will be a party in my pussy for anyone interested.
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